


Last Message

by NoHappyEnding



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 08:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8837719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoHappyEnding/pseuds/NoHappyEnding
Summary: Joonmyun tries to move on, but Zitao comes back along with his answer.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. Writing this is such a challenge for me since I’ve always been writing fluff. Dear prompter, I hope I don’t disappoint you with this. I didn’t plan to make it this long, but look what happened. Sorry for all the mistakes and I hope you enjoy this.

 

There’s a reason why Joonmyun doesn’t want to clean his apartment by throwing out his old stuff, because he has to go through them and by going through them, it means he’d have to stumble upon some stuff that used to be a part of his life before. 

 

Just like how he finds his lost sock, his old tie, his old belt that he used to wear in high school, and some old books he don’t read anymore; he also finds some things that belonged to the person who used to be a part of his life, someone he desperately wants to forget. 

 

Ignoring the twinge in his chest, he slowly pulls out a t-shirt from the corner of his closet. He stares at the white garment for a while and slowly presses it against his nose, inhaling the scent. 

 

It’s gone. 

 

This shirt now smells like his other clothes that are being stuck under a pile of untouched garments on the corner of his closet. The familiar smell that used to linger on the fabric is all gone, just like how that man is gone from his life. 

 

How long has it been? Two years already? 

 

But why does the pain feel like it’s just yesterday when Zitao left him all alone in this quiet apartment? 

 

_ I’m sorry, Joonmyun. Please be happy because I can’t make you. - Tao _

 

Those are the words that were written on a piece of paper that greeted him home when he got back from work on a particular night. 

 

That night, his world crumbled down. He briefly remembers running out to the street with tears dribbling down his face, screaming for the other’s name in hope that it was just a joke and that the said man would pop out with his usual cheeky smile. 

 

But no, Zitao was gone, just like that. 

 

_ Why? _

 

It was the question that left unanswered ever since his lover – ex-lover now – vanished from his life, or from the earth itself. It took sleepless nights and rivers of tears for him to feel alright again. It took so long just to put back the light in his eyes that has died when Zitao left him. 

 

Just like how Zitao got into his life, he left just like a wind; no trace. 

 

But thinking back, it wasn’t really a wind. Zitao came into his life so abruptly, more like a hurricane, a storm. 

 

The memory is still fresh in his head.

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Quick! Quick! They’re chasing after me!” 

 

Joonmyun had just finished putting on his helmet when he felt a sudden weight on the back of his motorcycle, accompanied by a hurried, husky voice of a male.

 

He turned over his shoulder, checking whoever the person that shamelessly sat on his motorbike, only to be met with a pair of feline-like eyes, dark and piercing like a pair of black orbs shining in the dark. 

 

“Who the hell are you?” 

 

He asked in annoyance, eyes still locked on the other’s sharp eyes, thinking about some defensive moves in his head in case the latter tried to hurt him. Motorbike thieves were pretty common at night after all. 

 

“I’ll tell you those things later! For now, just hurry up and get away from here!” The other male said, almost sounding like a whine and Joonmyun wondered if he’s just a reckless teenager who got into trouble with the police officers. 

 

As if answering his question, he heard the sound of footsteps running to their way. He glanced behind to see a couple of police officers running over, blowing whistle and raising their batons in the air. 

 

“That’s the kid! Catch them!” One of the officers yelled.

 

The boy gasped in horror and hit Joonmyun’s back desperately, letting out a sound from the back of his throat that sounded like a whimper. 

 

“Hurry! Hurry, please! I’ll pay you later! Just get me out of here!” 

 

Joonmyun stared at him for the last time before turning his body to the front and started up his motorcycle. 

 

“Hold on to me.” 

 

With a rumbling sound of his motorcycle’s engine, he rode down the road in full speed with a mysterious boy who’s clinging onto his back for dear life. 

 

Along the ride, the boy finally introduced himself as Huang Zitao, a boy from China who moved to Korea couple of years ago and was struggling with his high school days. 

 

He then explained that he and his friends were spraying paints on the wall when the police suddenly came at them. All of his friends took the motorcycle and ran away, forgetting about him who didn’t have anything to run with except his two long legs. 

 

When Joonmyun stopped his motorcycle on the side of the road, after making sure that the officers were no longer chasing them, he took off his helmet and asked Zitao where he was heading.

 

Zitao blinked at him once, twice, as if taking in his appearance. And then without breaking their eye contact, he slowly parted his thin, pink lips, breathing out a soft answer. 

 

“Your bedroom.” 

 

Joonmyun heard a loud thump in his chest that moment.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The next morning, Joonmyun woke up alone, naked under the sheet without any trace of the boy that he held last night, as if Zitao was just part of his dream. But he knew it was not a dream because the boy’s scent was still lingering on his pillow and the scratch marks on his back were still fresh. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Few months later, he went to college as usual and stumbled upon an overly familiar freshman whose eyes widened as soon as they saw each other’s face. 

 

Joonmyun’s lips curled into a smile at the sight of the male who’s blushing cutely in front of him. The freshman in front of him seemed so nervous and awkward, unlike the boy who bravely stepped into his bedroom that night, the boy who cried out for his name as his back arched beautifully, the boy who made his body shuddered in bliss.  

 

The other’s name rolled out of Joonmyun’s tongue naturally. 

 

“Zitao.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


Joonmyun chuckles dryly and shakes his head, throwing the shirt aside as if throwing away his memory of Zitao. He then digs through his closet again and throws away the things that he had never worn anymore, including Zitao’s clothes that the younger forgot to take with him on the night that he left, or probably he left them for Joonmyun to throw them away just like what he’s doing right now. 

 

After he finishes with digging up his closet, he proceeds to dig through the cabinets and drawers in his apartment. He finds a lot of old things, either broken or useless already, and throws them into the cardboard box where he places his old clothes to be thrown away. 

 

Again, he finds some stuff that reminds him of Zitao, his earring, his bracelet, his panda keychain; why is everything here? It’s cruel how Zitao left his stuff behind just for Joonmyun to discover and recalls about the memory again. It’s cruel how Zitao left him like this and just disappeared from his life after he had given so much memory that are impossible to forget. 

 

For months, Joonmyun felt like he’s dead, but when he placed a hand on his chest, he realized that he’s still alive because his heart was still beating. His friends said that it happened for a reason, or that Zitao was simply an asshole, or they didn’t belong together, and urge him to move on, but none of wise words stopped the bleeding on his heart. It was so miserable trying to move on from Zitao, it’s pathetic how the younger broke his heart cruelly yet it’s so hard for Joonmyun to forget about him. 

 

Even now, he doesn’t seem to have completely moved on from Zitao, proven by how long he stares at the old polaroid camera in his hand that Zitao used to love. 

 

Zitao has a distinctive personality if Joonmyun may say. 

 

He’s two years younger than him, but sometimes it felt like Zitao is 10 years younger than him with his scaredy-cat and honest personality. Zitao is extremely childlike, but there were moments when he looked so mature from the way he talked and looked at things in life. Zitao seems fierce and tough with his tall body and sharp eyes, but he’s actually very innocent and guileless. 

 

Joonmyun still remembers how staying with Zitao felt like opening a box of surprise everyday. The boy was unpredictable but Joonmyun loved everything about it, though he should’ve known that Zitao would surprise him again by leaving him abruptly. 

 

After all, Zitao was full of surprise, and surprises aren’t always pleasing. 

 

One of Zitao’s unique traits is how he loves to see or collect vintage things, the ones that people on his age never bat an eye anymore. Joonmyun remembers the early times when he got to know Zitao, the boy showed him his stamp collection with bright smile like a kid showing off his Pokémon cards collection. 

 

Joonmyun remembers how bright Zitao’s smile was when they visited a vintage market on his birthday. Zitao pointed his fingers at every stall and explained to Joonmyun about the old things that caught his interest. This polaroid camera was something Joonmyun bought for him for his birthday gift. He still remembers how bright Zitao’s smile was when he received the camera.

 

He chuckles dryly and brings the polaroid camera to his face as if wanting to take a picture. He points the camera to his living room and presses the button, only to notice that there isn’t any polaroid film left in the camera. Shaking his head, Joonmyun places the camera into the cardboard box, throwing it along with his memory of Tao. 

 

The more he digs through his apartment, the more he notices that Zitao has left almost all his vintage stuff in his apartment. It’s weird considering how much Zitao loves them yet he left them like this as if waiting for Joonmyun to throw them away. Maybe Zitao had lost interest in them, maybe Zitao didn’t find them interesting anymore, maybe Zitao got tired of them just like how he got tired of Joonmyun. 

 

Joonmyun puts the Walkman into the cardboard, the last of Zitao’s belongings that are left in his apartment. It’s been two years already and he knows he has to move on. Hopefully, he’d be able to forget about the boy if he threw his things away, erasing the trace of Zitao completely from his home and hopefully, his heart. 

 

After putting all the old stuff in a cardboard box, he places it on the front door of his apartment as a reminder to throw it to the trash bin next morning when he goes to work. 

 

Just when he’s about to go to bed, Joonmyun suddenly recalls one thing that wasn’t there when he threw away Zitao’s vintage stuff. It seems that it was the only thing that Tao brought with him when he left because he didn’t find it anywhere in his apartment. Thinking back, it was also the thing that Joonmyun  _ kind of _ liked. 

 

It’s the cassette tape recorder. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Joonmyun!” 

 

He turned his head to the front door and saw Zitao running to him with a bright smile on his face. He laughed at the sight and opened his arms, catching the taller male when he threw himself for a hug. 

 

Zitao often forgot about their height difference by throwing himself at him or curling against him when they slept at night, but Joonmyun found it adorable, lucky that he’s strong enough to catch Tao without tumbling backwards. 

 

“Why so happy, huh?” Joonmyun pulled away and tilted his head with a smile. 

 

“I got something cool!” Tao beamed and dug through his bag, pulling out a weird-looking gadget from it. “Ta-da! A cassette tape recorder.” 

 

“Cassette?” Joonmyun snorted. “Tao-ah, no one used that anymore.” 

 

“I know, that’s what makes it cool.” Zitao puckered his lips cutely. “It’s cool you know, you can record everything in a cassette and you don’t have to worry about losing the recording as long as you keep the cassette tape. You can even listen to it over and over again with this thing.” He said while moving the recorder around as if trying to make Joonmyun as excited as him. 

 

“But we don’t have any cassettes here, do we? When are you going to start recording then?” Joonmyun hummed in amusement, barely holding a laugh when Zitao’s face faltered in realization. 

 

“That’s true… I should’ve asked for the tapes too…” Zitao frowned and pushed out his bottom lip, a truly adorable sight if Joonmyun may say. 

 

“Where did you get that thing anyway?” He smiled and patted the boy’s head. 

 

“Oh, I got it from a friend in my class.” Zitao smiled, but it’s Joonmyun’s turn to frown. 

 

“Friend? Who?” He quirked a brow, knowing well that only few people knew about Tao’s interest in vintage thing. 

 

“Sehun.” 

 

“Sehun?” Joonmyun frowned deeper. “Wasn’t he the one who gave you a pack of polaroid films before?” 

 

Zitao nodded innocently and Joonmyun wished that his boyfriend wasn’t so guileless. That kind of vintage thing was really hard to find and it’s almost impossible that this Sehun guy would go all his way to give Zitao that recorder without any intention. Sometimes, Zitao’s innocence made him so worried and frustrated. 

 

Zitao must have noticed the change on his expression because he suddenly looked worried. “What’s wrong?” 

 

Joonmyun let out an exasperated sigh and decided to tell the truth. “I told you not to get too close with that Sehun boy.” 

 

Tao frowned. “But he’s my best friend.” 

 

“Yeah? For me, it looks like he’s trying to get into your pants.” Joonmyun sighed and walked away from Zitao to his bedroom. He was tired arguing with Zitao about this since his boyfriend was honestly too innocent yet so stubborn at the same time. 

 

He sat on the bed and sighed into his hands, feeling slightly guilty for ruining Tao’s mood because of his uneasiness towards Sehun. He looked up a moment later at the sound of door and saw Zitao slowly shuffled to him, a guilty look plastered on his face. 

 

“Sorry…” He muttered quietly, eyes glistening slightly and Joonmyun’s face softened at the sight. He gestured a hand and let Zitao straddle his lap, pulling him into a hug. 

 

“He didn’t ask you for anything in exchange for that cassette tape recorder, right?”

 

Tao shook his head, face still buried on the crook of the elder’s neck. Joonmyun smiled and patted Zitao’s back reassuringly, rubbing small circles.

 

“So when are you going to find the cassette tapes so you can start your recording?” He asked softly into the younger’s ear. 

 

Zitao squeezed him a little bit before lifting his head to look at him. “Let’s go together. When are you free or willing to go with me?” 

 

“How about tomorrow?” 

 

Zitao beamed, his eyes lighted up with thousands of sparks as he nodded his head eagerly. “Thank you, Joonmyun. I love you!” 

 

“I love you too.” Joonmyun chuckled and pecked Zitao on the lips. 

 

Still smiling, Zitao leaned closer to kiss the elder, harder and longer this time. Joonmyun closed his eyes and moved his lips along with the kiss, hands moving lower and lower until they reach the curve of Zitao’s backside. 

 

It didn’t take too long for him to flip Zitao under him, lips still connected to each other. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


It is Saturday morning when the doorbell of his apartment rings. 

 

Joonmyun groans from under his blanket and lazily drags his feet over to the door, mentally cursing at whoever disturbs his sleep after a drinking night with his coworker the night before. 

 

Rubbing an eye, he opens the door lazily and blinks at the smiling face of the man in front of him. 

 

“Good morning! Is this Kim Joonmyun’s residence?” 

 

It’s a courier guy with a piece of paper on his hand, probably contains his name and his address. 

 

“Yes. How may I help you?” Joonmyun asks lazily, wondering who would send him a package since he didn’t order anything from the online shop. 

 

“There’s a package for you.” The courier guy sings happily, pointing at the cardboard box on his feet.

 

Joonmyun stares at the box suspiciously before lifting his gaze to the courier again. “Who’s the sender?”

 

“It’s written in the box, the name’s Oh Sehun.” 

 

Joonmyun quirks an eyebrow at the name and the courier gives him a big grin, handing him a piece of paper and a pen to sign. He sighs softly and takes the pen and paper, signing his name under it and hands them back to the guy. 

 

“Thank you. Here is your package.” The courier smiles widely and picks the box up, handing it to Joonmyun. 

 

Joonmyun takes the box with a small smile and places it in the living room. He then locks the door of his apartment before going back to the bedroom to continue his disturbed sleep. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


Days pass and work has been hectic for Joonmyun. He goes home late at night to sleep and then wakes up in the morning to go to work. It’s near the end of the month, which means it’s the busiest week of his job where he has to finish some reports by the end of the month. Thank God the pay is good enough for the sweat and hard work he’s giving. 

 

He hasn’t cleaned his apartment for the whole week, leaving the package from Sehun forgotten on the living room’s floor. Joonmyun doesn’t even remember about it until he wakes up on Saturday afternoon, all refreshed and ready to start the day by cleaning his apartment. 

 

He takes out the vacuum and starts to clean his bedroom, moving to the kitchen and hall before ending at the living room. He blinks when he catches the cardboard box laying on the floor next to the couch, his mind tries to recall some events before he finally remembers about the package from Sehun. Sighing, he decides to do his laundry before finally settling on the couch and opens the package. 

 

He knows who Sehun is, but he has never really talked to him. There’s always this tension in the air everytime he’s faced with Sehun, probably because they liked the same person even though Sehun has never really made a move on Zitao, but that didn’t make Joonmyun lower his guard on Zitao everytime Sehun was mentioned. 

 

Sehun was Zitao’s best friend since high school and they promised to attend the same college, which happened to be Joonmyun’s college. Joonmyun was glad that he’s reunited with Zitao, but when he met Sehun, he wasn’t really happy about it and he knew the younger felt the same way. The only one who was oblivious about the tension between them was of course, Zitao. 

 

He didn’t try to contact Sehun when Zitao left, he was busy drowning in his tears and ruining himself in the club with alcohol and one-night-stands. He tried to move on from Zitao by forgetting everything about the boy and of course, Sehun included. 

 

Though now that he thinks about it, there’s a possibility that Zitao left him for Sehun…right? 

 

Joonmyun furrows his brows at the thought and shakes his head. He comes to the living room with a cutter and starts to cut the tape open. Taking a deep breath as if bracing himself, he opens the flap to look inside. 

 

Cassette tapes, a lot of them. 

 

Joonmyun blinks, his eyes scanning over the cassette tapes that are arranged neatly inside the box. Above the pile of the tapes is something he recognizes as cassette tape recorder that belonged to Zitao, the one that’s been missing from his apartment.

 

_ What the hell? _

 

Joonmyun’s frown grows deeper as he picks the recorder up, examining the thing carefully as if trying to find a clue on it. When he finds nothing, he places the recorder aside and starts to dig through the piles of cassettes. 

 

He carefully flips the box over and pours out all the cassette tapes, scattering them on his living room that he just cleaned an hour ago. He then puts the box aside and picks up a cassette. Flipping it over, he notices that there’s a date written on it. He quickly picks up another cassette and reads another date written on it.

 

All of the cassette tapes have date written on them, most probably the date of the recording. 

 

Joonmyun stares blankly at the scattered cassettes in front of him, contemplating about something in his mind before he suddenly shakes his head and digs through the cassettes. As if there’s a spell casted upon him, Joonmyun spends the next hour arranging the cassettes by the date and when he finishes, he has a block of arranged cassettes on his living room’s floor. 

 

Slowly, he picks the first cassette, recorded on 2013 when they’re still dating. He stares at the cassette for a while, licking his lips thoughtfully before placing it on the cassette player. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes before pressing the play button. 

 

_ “Is it recording yet?”  _

 

_ “It is!”  _

 

He can’t help but smile at Zitao’s cheery voice even though his heart clenches painfully at the same time, almost sending tears to the corner of his eyes. Who knows that he actually missed Zitao this much? How pathetic. 

 

_ “Hello, this is Huang Zitao and I’m with m-my boyfriend…”  _

 

_ “Hello, this is Kim Joonmyun… What are we going to say?”  _

 

_ “Um, I don’t know, I’m just testing the recorder.”  _

 

_ “…” _

 

_ “…” _

 

_ “I really love Tao.”  _

 

_ “J-Joonmyun!”  _

 

_ “What? We can record anything right?”  _

 

_ “Y-yeah, but it’s embarrassing.”  _

 

_ “Why is it embarrassing? You can hear it over and over again, isn’t it great?” _

 

_ “I-I guess that’s true.”  _

 

_ “Then why don’t you say it too?”  _

 

_ “…” _

 

_ “Tao…” _

 

_ “……” _

 

_ “Huang Zitao…” _

 

_ “…you.” _

 

_ “What did you say?” _

 

_ “I love you.”  _

 

_ “Louder.” _

 

_ “I-I love you!”  _

 

_ “Louder!”  _

 

_ “I love you!!” _

 

_ “That’s my baby.”  _

 

_ “W-Wait, Joonmyun, end the recording first, end—“  _

 

The recording ends there and Joonmyun’s shoulders are shaking with laughter. He remembers the moment when they were recording this. He remembers Zitao’s burning cheeks when he said  _ I love you _ and how Zitao looked like he’s about to explode in embarrassment when he yelled  _ I love you _ into the recorder. He remembers how Zitao desperately tried to end the recording before he ravished the younger’s lips. 

 

It was so beautiful, yet so painful since Zitao is not here by his side anymore. No matter how beautiful the memories are, it’s still painful for him to recall it. 

 

Wiping the tears that haven’t formed in his eyes, Joonmyun sniffles softly and stands up, leaving the cassette player on the couch and grabs his car key to have a dinner outside. He’ll probably give Yifan a call to accompany his lonely dinner and his pathetic life.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Apparently, dinner with Yifan turns to be a drinking night with Yifan and by the time Joonmyun reaches home, his legs are wobbly and his eyes are half-closed. It’s a miracle and luck that he could drive home safely in this state, even Yifan had to take a cab home.  

 

He stabs his key into the keyhole and after the third attempt, he manages to unlock the door. He shuffles into his dark apartment and locks the door behind him, something he’d be really thankful to his drunk-self when he woke up next morning. 

 

Deciding to sleep immediately, he drags his feet across the living room and to his bedroom, only to pause when his foot accidentally kicks against something on the floor. He looks down and stares at the cassette tapes that he has arranged on the floor this afternoon. 

 

Sighing softly, he crouches down and picks up the cassette that he kicked, reading the date written on it, also the time when he and Zitao were still together. 

 

Maybe it’s his drunken mind or something, but Joonmyun finds himself reaching for the cassette player and he carefully puts the tape inside. He climbs to the couch and lays himself there as he listens to the tape. 

 

_ “Shhh, this is Tao.”  _

 

Zitao’s hushed voice rings through his empty apartment like a lullaby for Joonmyun. 

 

_ “Joonmyun is sleeping right now. He pulled all-nighter to finish his paper and now he’s catching on his sleep. It makes me worried seeing him so tired, but he has always been a hardworking person. That’s why I’m going to support him with everything I am.  _

 

_ Right now, I’m about to clean the apartment while waiting for him to wake up. I’ve got my salary from my part-time job so I guess I can treat him to eat somewhere.” _

 

Then there’s a fluttering giggle, the sound that Joonmyun missed so dearly. 

 

_ “I really love you, Joonmyun.”  _

 

By the time it ends, Joonmyun is already asleep, a trail of tears staining his cheek.

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “I had a fight with Joonmyun today… He was unhappy that I went out with Sehun even though I already told him that Sehun is my best friend and it’s impossible for me to abandon him just because I’m with him. But Joonmyun told me that I’m too oblivious and dumb, he even called me dumb!” _

 

Then there’s a soft sigh, sounding tired and sad. 

 

_ “I know I’m supposed to apologize. It’s not like I didn’t notice how he always has something against Sehun. I guess he’s just jealous… I like it when he’s jealous, but sometimes it’s a bit overboard.”  _

 

Then a silence. 

 

_ “I’m going to apologize when he got home tonight.”  _

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


Joonmyun doesn’t remember how he ends up with listening to the cassette tape every night before he goes to sleep, but he notices that he has been getting a better sleep after he listens to Zitao’s husky voice from the small speaker. 

 

He’d listen to one cassette for each night right before he goes to sleep. On lazy Sunday and his day off, he’d listen to three or more cassettes whenever he feels bored or when he thinks that his apartment is too quiet. 

 

It’s pathetic to think that he’s listening to the cassettes while imagining that Zitao is still here with him, that the husky voice doesn’t come from the cassette player but from a pair of pretty lips that he loved to kiss until Zitao is out of breath. 

 

But Joonmyun can’t fool anybody, he can’t lie to his own heart. No matter how many nights he spent for one night stands before, his heart still wants what it wants. 

 

It wants Zitao. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “Hello, this is Joonmyun. I’m planning to cook Tao’s favorite dish. I have no idea how to cook this Chinese dish, but I think I can try.”  _

 

There’s a clacking noise in the background. Joonmyun remembers that he was in the kitchen while recording this. 

 

_ “Tao is still in class right now and he’d come back for dinner, so I have to finish this before he arrived. So yeah, I’ve finished with the marinated chicken by now and I have to make the sauce, let’s see…”  _

 

Joonmyun smiles to himself remembering how he tries so hard to cook a  _ kung pao chicken _ for the first time. 

 

_ “Alright, I’ve combined the wine…soy sauce…oil…chili paste—oh, a little bit more of chili sauce, God knows how much Tao loves spicy food. Okay, now the green onion and garlic and the chestnuts, alright, perfect!”  _

 

There’s a silence with the drizzling noise in the background, and then some rustling sound. 

 

_ “Here goes the chicken. Mmm, it smells good… I hope it tastes as good as the smell.”  _

 

Joonmyun smiles as he listens to how he put the dishes on the plate and put the utensils aside. Then comes his favorite part where Zitao came home and squealed at the smell of his favorite food filling the apartment. 

 

_ “It tastes so good! Joonmyun, you’re the best!”  _

 

The high-pitched voice echoes in Joonmyun’s ear and sends a smile to his face.

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “We’re at the beach now, woohoo! Joonmyun, come here and record something with me!”  _

 

It’s the day when they visited a beach on Sunday because Zitao had been nagging about playing with water and watching the sunset. They ended up getting drenched from head to toe because Zitao thought that it was a good idea to drag both of them into the water and dive in. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “Joonmyun got a job! He’s going to work at an insurance company! Oh my God, I’m so proud of you, baby!” _

 

_ “Whoa, Tao—Tao!”  _

 

There’s a crashing sound and Joonmyun remembers that Zitao threw himself for a hug, momentarily forgetting about their height difference and body size. The fall was a bit painful since Joonmyun knocked his head, but the smile on Zitao’s face made him forget about everything. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “Joonmyun is having a dinner with his coworker tonight. I know she’s just a coworker, but I’ve seen her once and she’s really pretty. I know I shouldn’t feel jealous, but…she’s just really pretty, and she looks kind too… And Joonmyun really gets along well with her…”  _

 

Joonmyun can almost hear Zitao pouting, he can imagine those pretty lips curled downwards and even though the sight was truly adorable, but hearing how insecure Zitao was makes his heart clench slightly. He didn’t think that Zitao would feel this way towards his coworkers. When he told the boy about it, Zitao simply smiled and nodded his head, that’s why he didn’t think that anything was off with their relationship. 

 

Suddenly, it hits Joonmyun. 

 

Could it be that these cassettes consist the side of Zitao that he didn’t know before? The side of Zitao that wasn’t happy to be with him? Will he find the reason why Zitao left and everything by listening to them? 

 

The thought scares Joonmyun but at the same time, he’s dying to know about Zitao’s side of the story. He wants to know whether he had made Zitao truly happy or he was simply hurting the boy all this time. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


The answer comes faster than he thought. 

 

It is another lazy Sunday morning when he decides to start the day by listening to Zitao’s voice. But what he hears isn’t something that he expected. 

 

_ “I’ve noticed that there’s something wrong.”  _

 

Tao’s voice sounds so weak and tired, as if he’s desperate about something or simply hasn’t slept for the whole night. 

 

_ “I’ve had headache for the past few weeks and the pills didn’t help, but I thought it was because I was busy trying to find a job or something.”  _

 

_ He didn’t tell me.  _ That’s what Joonmyun thinks as he reads the date of the cassette; it was two and half years ago, few months before they broke up. 

 

_ “Then I noticed that something is wrong like… I ironed the clothes twice, I poured another drink for myself even though I just drank. I even bought the same thing twice. It’s like I was so distracted these days, but I don’t even know what makes me distracted this much.”  _

 

Joonmyun frowns, wondering why Zitao didn’t tell him and why didn’t he notice that something was wrong with the younger. Zitao always looked like sunshine everyday, but maybe he was too bright for Joonmyun that he didn’t notice that something’s wrong with him. 

 

_ “There’s this one time where Joonmyun called me and said that he’s going to pick me up for dinner. I said okay and started to do my usual routine like cleaning the house and everything, but when he came back, he asked me why I haven’t changed my clothes yet. Then I realized that I forgot completely about the dinner even though he just called me couple of hours ago.”  _

 

Joonmyun bites his lip when he remembers about the incident. He was a bit pissed off, but Tao made it up by changing his clothes in the speed of light and had the dinner with him. 

 

_ “I’m going to see a doctor later in the afternoon. Joonmyun is at work right now so he wouldn’t know about this. I feel bad for lying, but I don’t want to worry him.”  _

 

The recording ends and Joonmyun closes his eyes. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “The doctor told me to name 8 type of animals without repetition and I failed.”  _

 

Tao’s voice is slightly shaky and Joonmyun has to hold his breath as he listens. 

 

_ “It’s kind of hilarious, I think I was just nervous because I was sitting in front of the doctor. Here, let me say it again. Cat, dog, mouse, bird, cat—I mean uh, fish! B-Bear, snake. There, 8 types of animals without repetition.” _

 

Joonmyun closes his eyes and bites his lip because Tao only named 7 types of animals and almost made a repetition. 

 

Why wasn’t he there when Zitao was like this? Where was he?

 

_ “Anyway yeah, the doctor was being so paranoid and he told me to take a CT scan tomorrow and he’s going to analyze my b-brain.”  _

 

Joonmyun knows how nervous and scared Tao was when he’s recording this. Even though he’s trying to sound cheerful, but Joonmyun can sense his fear. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That night, Joonmyun pulls an all-nighter listening to the cassettes to find out what’s truly wrong with his ex-lover. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “T-Tell me, isn’t Alzheimer only happened to old people…?”  _

 

Joonmyun feels his eyes water at the sound of Zitao’s voice, so shaky and broken. 

 

_ “I-I’m only in my mid-twenties… H-How… I don’t understand.”  _

 

There’s a sniffle and Joonmyun wants nothing but to come back to the time where Zitao recorded this and just pull the boy into his arms. 

 

_ “I-It’s incurable and it would only get worse as time passed by… I’d forget everything, I wouldn’t even remember my name. My grandma had the same illness, I know what I would end up become… I don’t want this.”  _

 

Joonmyun closes his eyes and lets the tears trail down his cheek, bringing a hand to cover his mouth as he listens to Zitao’s sobs. 

 

_ “Right now I can’t even remember my age when my mother passed away… I can’t remember whether my dad liked to drink coffee or tea in the morning… W-What if I can’t remember their faces anymore? What if I can’t even remember Joonmyun…?”  _

 

Joonmyun catches the sound of Zitao breaking into a sobbing fit before the recording ends. 

 

He then realizes that his own face is wet with tears. 

 

Wiping the tears away, he takes another cassette tape and puts it into the player. 

 

_ “I can’t do this anymore. It’s too painful for me and it’s unfair for him. This is the only choice I have.”  _

 

The recording ends shortly and Joonmyun takes out the tape from the player. He flips it over and looks at the date, noticing that it was a week before Zitao disappeared from his life with a piece of paper. 

 

Where was he when Zitao suffered like this? How couldn’t he notice? Was he too busy with his work? 

 

Joonmyun cries for the whole night and ends up skipping his work in the morning. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

Yifan, his good friend and coworker, asks as they eat their dinner in the restaurant nearby. 

 

“Nothing.” Joonmyun mumbles quietly. 

 

“Seriously? You forgot to send the report emails and you’ve been getting scolded for 3 days in a row because of your mistakes. What happened?” Yifan frowns as he puts a piece of meat into his mouth, staring at Joonmyun’s untouched food. 

 

“I just found out about something…” Joonmyun sighs softly and stares at the meat on the table, somehow losing appetite over his favorite food. 

 

“About what?” Yifan asks over a mouthful of food. 

 

Joonmyun opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out and he decides to close it again. With a sigh, he picks a piece of meat with his chopstick and finally starts eating. 

 

“Tell me Yifan, how much do you know about Alzheimer?” 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “…I’m glad I brought all these tapes with me. I can recall some stuff by listening to them.”  _

 

Zitao’s voice sounds quiet and calm, but at the same time, empty and soulless. 

 

Joonmyun sits on the side of his bed with his eyes closed, trying to focus on Zitao’s voice and imagines the boy inside his head, what would he be doing and how would he look like.

 

_ “I miss Joonmyun.” _

 

_ I miss you too. _ Joonmyun mouths to himself. 

 

_ “I wonder what he’s doing right now. I hope his job is going well and… I hope he finds someone better and be happy… Because I can’t make him…” _

 

_ You’re the only one.  _ Joonmyun mouths again as he holds back the tears from falling. 

 

He can feel his heart breaking for Zitao. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “I…I forgot how me and Joonmyun met… Sehun told me that I was running away and ended up jumping to his motorcycle… Really? How could I act so shameless?”  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “Sehun said my favorite food is kung pao chicken, but I can’t remember… I thought I like pizza more… But I guess he knows better than I do at this point.”  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “I got fired from the job like I expected. I mean, I couldn’t even remember what the customers ordered…”  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “It’s funny listening to all the cassette tapes when I don’t even remember recording them. Joonmyun is really sweet, I guess I made a good decision of leaving him, I can’t even remember long did we date.”  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “I don’t want to forget Joonmyun. Please, please help me… I don’t want to listen to all the tapes and questioning myself about who Joonmyun is. I’m so scared…” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Joonmyun can feel his heart shatters into pieces at each recording. He can hear Zitao’s voice getting weaker and lost, as if he had no idea what he’s doing anymore and who he was. Joonmyun hates himself for not being there for Zitao, for not guiding the boy like a compass and for letting the boy suffered this much. 

 

Reading the date of the last tape in the box, which is half a year ago, he puts it inside the player and presses the play button. 

 

_ “I’m…starting to forget how Joonmyun looks like…”  _

 

Joonmyun can’t stop the tears that trail down his cheeks immediately as soon as he hears the words. 

 

_ “But I remember that I love him.”  _

 

Joonmyun perks up immediately and presses the speaker closer to his ear. 

 

_ “I can’t remember in details about what we did together, but I remember the feelings that I had when I was with him. I can remember my fluttering stomach and my pounding heart when he’s around… I can recall the way our hands interlaced with each other, you know… Like I know it on the back of my mind even though I can’t remember the details…”  _

 

Joonmyun is torn between crying and smiling. His lips are curled into a smile, yet the tears are still dribbling down his face. 

 

_ “I may forget him completely one day, just like how I forgot about my life before this… I can’t even recognize Sehun sometimes, it’s really getting worse…”  _

 

There’s a silence, but Joonmyun knows that the recording hasn’t ended yet, so he waits patiently until Tao speaks again. 

 

_ “But I hope that even if my brain forgets about Joonmyun, my heart would still remember him…”  _

 

The recording ends and Joonmyun brings a hand to clutch his painful chest. Tears are dripping down his face, creating a small puddle of tears on the floor beneath his feet.  

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


Despite being one of the smartest students throughout his school years, Joonmyun sometimes thinks that he is the stupidest person in the world. 

 

Just now he remembers that he signed a piece of paper when receiving the box of cassette tapes and on that paper also written the address of the sender, which is where Zitao lives, or at least someone who knows about Zitao. 

 

He types the address on the map and finds out that it’s located on different city and would probably take hours of train to reach there. He doesn’t care about it though, he doesn’t care about his piling work in the office or his supervisor who keeps on scolding him about his performance. He only cares about Zitao. 

 

He takes a day off from work even though his supervisor threatens to fire him if he doesn’t finish his work by the end of the week. He grabs his bag and rushes over to the train station, purchasing the ticket and sits quietly as he watches the train moves, taking him to the place where he can see his ex-lover. 

 

Joonmyun tries to sleep throughout the ride, but everytime he closes his eyes, Zitao’s broken voice from the recording would play in his head. He can see Zitao’s crying face behind his eyelids and it hurts his heart, so he opens his eyes and keeps himself awake. 

 

He’s tired by the time he arrives at the station, but nothing can stop him from seeing Zitao now. 

 

Dragging his heavy feet, he picks a cab and gives the written address to the driver before leaning back against the seat with a sigh as he looks out of the window. 

 

It’s a quiet city, at least much quieter than the one he’s living at. There are some buildings, but not packed like the urban area he’s living with the sound of honking car every weekend in the traffic. This city is much calmer and it makes him confused, because he knows that Zitao preferred crowded street with lively people instead of quiet place like this. 

 

He begins to wonder if he’s really going to see Zitao. But even if he doesn’t, he’s sure that he’ll get information about the boy at least. 

 

His thought is snapped when the cab pulls over in front of a small house. He glances around the quiet neighborhood and pays for the cab before stepping out of the car with his bag. 

 

He looks down at the address once again and looks up to the house in front of him. It’s small, but it’s well maintained and he’s sure that someone is living here, judging from the car that’s parked on the driveway. 

 

Taking in a deep breath, Joonmyun reaches a hand and presses the doorbell. 

 

He waits and after almost a minute, the front door swings open, revealing a pretty-faced guy with big eyes looking at him questioningly. 

 

“Good afternoon, can I help you?” The guy smiles and tilts his head slightly. 

 

“Um… I was wondering if this house is…” Joonmyun scratches his head and trails off, wondering how should he explain everything since the guy in front of him looks clueless. Maybe the cab got the wrong house. “I—I was wondering if this is the right address…”

 

He hands the written address to the other and watches hopefully as the guy reads it. 

 

“Mhmm, this is the right address. Who are you looking for?” The guy hands the paper back to him and smiles. 

 

“I was looking for—“ 

 

“Luhan? Who is it?” 

 

Joonmyun stops his words when he hears a familiar voice coming from inside the house. He stares at the door when Sehun perks up from behind the door, mouth dropping open when he sees the guest who’s standing in front of their door. 

 

“Joonmyun…” Sehun mutters under his breath. 

 

“Sehun.” Joonmyun takes a deep breath and clenches the paper on his hand. “Where is Zitao?” 

 

The guy, Luhan, glances between the guest and his lover, trying to get a grasp of what’s going on. 

 

“He knows Tao?” Luhan whispers to his lover. 

 

“Yeah…” Sehun mumbles in reply. “He’s the person whom I sent the cassette tapes to.” 

 

Luhan gasps softly and whips his head back to Joonmyun, immediately stepping aside from the door and gestures a hand. “Please, come in.” 

 

Joonmyun glances at Sehun before nodding his head at Luhan and steps into the house. He immediately scans his eyes around the house, trying to find the person he’s looking for. 

 

“Why are you here?” Sehun asks as he closes the door behind them. 

 

“I want to see him.” Joonmyun says and turns his head to Sehun, staring at him with hardened look in his eyes. “Tell me where he is, please.” 

 

“What are you going to do if you saw him?” Sehun stares back at him. “You know about his condition.” 

 

Joonmyun’s throat bobs as he tries to swallow the lump feeling in his throat. “I want to see him. Is that reason not good enough? I just want to see him, goddamnit! Can’t you just let me see him!?” He chokes out the last words. 

 

“And then what are you going to do? He doesn’t want you to see him like this! Why do you think he left you two years ago!?” Sehun snaps back at him, his fists clench on his sides as if ready to start a fight.

 

“Sehun.” Luhan pats his shoulder to calm the younger down and then turns to Joonmyun with a sad look. “You really want to see him?” 

 

“Yes, please. I want to see him.” Joonmyun pleads. 

 

“Even if he doesn’t remember you?” Luhan asks with a softer voice. 

 

The question pierces Joonmyun’s chest and knocks the air out of his lungs. His chest clenches painfully and for a moment, he can’t breathe. 

 

But Zitao, he wants to see Zitao no matter what, he misses the boy so much.

 

“Yes… I still want to see him…” He breathes out. 

 

Luhan nods his head with a sad smile and gestures a hand into the house. “Follow me.” 

 

Joonmyun glances over at Sehun before following Luhan to step further into the house. The eldest stops in front of a door at the end of the hall and knocks on it before cracking it open. Joonmyun stands behind as Luhan pokes his head inside, as if checking the room, before stepping aside and gestures a hand for Joonmyun to step into the room. 

 

Taking a deep breath, Joonmyun clenches his fists and steps into the room, eyes scanning over the small bedroom briefly before they land on a figure who’s sitting on a chair beside the window. 

 

Those eyes, Joonmyun didn’t realize how much he missed them until he sees them again. Tears brimming his in eyes as he takes in the sight of the man he missed so much, sitting quietly on the chair and is staring back at him with clueless look on his face. 

 

Joonmyun can see it from those eyes, he knows that Zitao doesn’t recognize him, but that doesn’t matter because Zitao is still alive and is looking back at him right now. 

 

“Lulu?” Zitao asks softly and Joonmyun cries silently at the voice, still soft and husky like how he remembers. He misses him so much. 

 

“I’ll be outside if you need me.” Luhan smiles before closing the door, giving them some privacy. 

 

Zitao blinks at the door and stares at Joonmyun who’s bringing a hand to his mouth, trying to muffle his cry and sob. He blinks again when Joonmyun wobbles closer, his legs are shaky and he looks like he’s going to fall anytime soon. 

 

Once he reaches Zitao, Joonmyun falls to his knees, surprising the younger a little, and then presses his face against Zitao’s knees, crying his heart out. 

 

“Tao…” Joonmyun croaks out and brings his hand to rub Zitao’s other knee. “My peach… Zitao…” 

 

Joonmyun sobs against his knees and reaches a hand to hold onto Zitao’s hand, rubbing the skin gently and squeezes on it as he cries. Even though his heart hurts so much seeing Zitao like this, but he’s so happy that he still gets the chance to see the boy again, he’s happy that despite everything, Zitao is still warm and alive and breathing right now. 

 

He doesn’t know how long he cries, but Zitao doesn’t say anything, not even pulling his hand away from Joonmyun’s tight grip. 

 

“…Myun?” 

 

Joonmyun freezes and when he does, he can feel the hand in his hold shakes slightly. 

 

“…Joonmyun…?” 

 

Gasping inaudibly, Joonmyun whips his head to look up at the other, tears still running down his face. 

 

Zitao is looking back at him, his eyes are no longer clueless and empty. Tears are pooling in his eyes, making his beautiful dark orbs glistening as if they’re pair of jewels. His mouth drops open and his chest heaves as if he’s struggling to breathe. 

 

In that moment, Joonmyun knows that Zitao has recognized him. 

 

Without saying anything, he gets up from his knees and pulls the boy into a tight hug. 

 

“J-Joonmyun…” Zitao chokes out and slowly brings his shaky hands to hug the elder back. “…Joonmyun…” 

 

“Zitao…” Joonmyun replies and hugs him tighter, burying his face on the crook of Zitao’s neck and inhales the scent that he missed so much. “Tao… I missed you so much…” 

 

“Joonmyun…” Zitao starts to cry, his body shakes along with the wrecking sobs and Joonmyun keeps on holding him. “Joonmyun… Joonmyun…” He calls out between his sobs and cries brokenly, the pitiful sound makes Joonmyun’s heart crack. 

 

“Tao… Please don’t run away from me… Please…” Joonmyun pulls away slightly to press his forehead against Zitao’s. 

 

“Joonmyun… I’m sick… I can’t…” Zitao sobs and shakes his head weakly. 

 

“So what? I don’t care, Tao. I only want you, I love all of you and I’m not going to leave you just because of this.” Joonmyun sighs and cups Zitao’s face with both hands, wiping the tears with his thumbs. 

 

“If you love me too, please think about me. I love you and it hurt so much when you left like that, it hurt me even more when I heard your voice in the tapes… Tao, I want to be there for you… I want to be with you… Don’t you want to be with me?” Joonmyun hums gently and curls his lips into a small smile. 

 

Zitao blinks at him, and then breaks down in tears again, nodding his head frantically as Joonmyun tries to wipe his tears away. 

 

“I want… I want to be with you, Joonmyun… I love you… But I’ll forget about you one day…” Zitao sobs brokenly. “W-Will you still stay with me when that happen…? Will you still love me even though I won’t even recognize you…?” 

 

“I will.” Joonmyun promises and presses a kiss on Zitao’s eyelids. “I promise I’ll stay with you. I will never ever leave you, so don’t you ever worry about it.” 

 

Zitao wails and Joonmyun pulls him into a kiss, their lips moving gently and slowly, expressing how much they missed each other. 

 

They settle on the bed with hands exploring each other’s body, remembering every curve and edge of each other until Zitao falls asleep quietly in Joonmyun’s arms. 

 

When Zitao wakes up, he smiles shyly while clutching the blanket tighter around his body and Joonmyun smiles brightly because Zitao still remembers him, at least for now. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


“The doctor said that he has more or less two years…” 

 

Luhan says with a sigh and looks down to his cup of coffee. 

 

“And he’s going to get worse as time passes by…” 

 

Sehun continues as he stands up from the table to put the dirty plates away. 

 

Joonmyun takes a deep breath and nods in understanding, glancing over at Zitao who’s sitting on the couch and staring blankly at the TV screen in front of him. He then turns back to the couple in front of him and presses his lips. 

 

“Can I stay with him?” 

 

“Well… What about your job?” Sehun raises a brow. 

 

“I’ll quit and stay here with you, if you don’t mind? Or I can rent an apartment around this area so Zitao will still stay close with you two.” 

 

“No need, of course you can stay here. But you’re going to share a room with Zitao since we don’t have anymore empty rooms.” Luhan offers. 

 

“That’s the only thing I want.” Joonmyun nods with a smile. 

 

“He…might get confused or even panicked when he woke up next to you if he didn’t recognize you… You know that, right?” Luhan explains carefully, making sure that Joonmyun understands what he’s going to face. 

 

“Don’t worry, it happened before.” Joonmyun chuckles, remembering the moment where Zitao woke up after they made love the night before. The boy flushed in deep red like a new bride and curled under the blanket shyly and even though it’s clear that Zitao didn’t recognize him, Joonmyun still fell in love with him all over again. 

 

Luhan takes a deep breath and nods his head with a relieved smile. “Alright then, tell me if you need our help to move your things.” 

 

“Thank you so much. I really owe you guys.” Joonmyun smiles to Luhan and Sehun before standing up from his seat and approaches Zitao in the living room. 

 

Zitao turns from the TV screen to look up at the elder, his eyes wide and clueless. 

 

“Zitao,” Joonmyun starts and settles next to him on the couch. “Would you like to take a walk outside in the park? The weather is nice today and there are flowers.” 

 

Zitao blinks at him once, twice, and then nods his head with a small smile. “Sure.” 

 

“Great, shall we go now?” Joonmyun reaches over to hold the younger’s hand and Zitao blinks rapidly. 

 

“Um, who are you?” Zitao tilts his head questioningly. 

 

Joonmyun smiles gently and holds the hand tighter, reaching a hand to brush Tao’s hair from his face. 

 

“My name is Joonmyun and I am your lover.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Tao, happy birthday!” 

 

Luhan cheers happily while Joonmyun walks to the dining table with a panda shaped cake in his hand, complete with the candles and the words  _ Happy Birthday  _ on top of it. Sehun is next to the dumbfounded Zitao, singing and clapping his hands along with his boyfriend. 

 

Joonmyun places the cake in front of Tao with a smile, letting the younger examine the cake with a blank look on his face. 

 

“Come on, blow the candles.” Joonmyun says with a smile once Luhan and Sehun have finished singing the happy birthday song. 

 

Zitao merely blinks at the cake before turning to look at Joonmyun with a blank look on his face, totally have no idea what the elder is talking about. 

 

Joonmyun chuckles softly at the clueless face and blows the candles for Zitao, earning a happy cheer from Luhan and applause from Sehun. He then proceeds to cut the cake in pieces while Tao is still staring blankly at the table. 

 

Once Joonmyun is done, he places a piece of cake on a small plate and feeds Zitao, which the younger complies by opening his mouth obediently. Luhan and Sehun are watching in the background with their own cakes, a smile plastered on their face as they watch Joonmyun feeding his boyfriend attentively. 

 

Joonmyun wipes the cream everytime it gets onto Zitao’s face when the younger is taking a bite. Zitao just blinks dumbly as the elder smiles sweetly at him. 

 

Once they’ve finished eating the cake, Luhan tells Joonmyun to take Zitao back to his room while he cleans the table up. Joonmyun gives Luhan a thankful smile before pushing Zitao’s wheelchair over to his room. 

 

He closes the bedroom door behind him before pushing the wheelchair over to the bed. He pulls the cover down and adjusts the pillows before bending down to carry Zitao up from his wheelchair. 

 

“Let’s get you to the bed now…” He hums and easily lifts the younger up, for Zitao has been losing weight for these past few months, and gently lays him down on the bed. 

 

He then pulls the cover up and notices that Zitao is still staring at him with a blank look on his face. He smiles and slowly leans in to press a kiss on Zitao’s forehead. 

 

“Go to sleep, okay?” Joonmyun strokes his head gently before pulling away. He is about to turn on his heels and walk away from the bed when a voice stops him. 

 

“…Who are you?” 

 

He turns to Zitao who’s still looking at him with a clueless face, his eyes blinking innocently like a child. 

 

Joonmyun leans closer and gently presses a kiss on Zitao’s lips. 

 

“I am Joonmyun, your lover.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


“We can’t hope for too much… His body is…reaching its limit already…” 

 

The doctor says with a sigh and drops his gaze to the floor, as if expressing his sorry. 

 

Luhan bites his lower lip while Sehun squeezes his hand, trying to comfort Luhan while getting ahold of himself at the same time. 

 

Joonmyun stays frozen on his standing spot, his throat feels dry and his eyes sting a little. He clenches and unclenches his cold hands, yet he can’t feel anything, they have gone numb. He bobs his throat to swallow the lump feeling in his throat before looking up to the doctor. 

 

“Can I see him…?” 

 

The doctor perks up and stares at him for a moment before nodding his head and gestures a hand to the room. “Of course.” 

 

“Thank you.” Joonmyun smiles wryly and steps into the room, Luhan and Sehun following closely from behind. 

 

Inside the room, Zitao is lying on the bed with his eyes closed as if he’s sleeping and Joonmyun knows he is. He knows whenever Zitao is really asleep of he’s simply faking it; he knows everything about the boy. 

 

Joonmyun slowly walks over to the bed and pulls the blanket a little higher to cover him, afraid that Zitao would feel cold in the hospital room. He reaches a hand to brush some hair away from the younger’s face, fingers brushing over the skeleton under the skin, wondering how could Zitao lose so much weight in such a short time. 

 

Fate is cruel, fate makes Zitao suffer so much. 

 

“I’m sorry, can you leave the two of us alone?” 

 

Joonmyun asks to the couple behind him, eyes still locked on Zitao’s sleeping face. 

 

Sehun and Luhan stare at each other before nodding their heads and retreat themselves, closing the door of the room to leave Joonmyun alone with his lover. 

 

Once the door is closed, Joonmyun drags a chair to sit next to the bed and reaches over to hold Zitao’s frail hand. Even though it’s thinner and cold, but it’s still beautiful because it’s Zitao’s hand, the hand that always fits perfectly in his own, the hand that always makes his skin tingle at every touch, the hand that always makes him feel like home. 

 

“Zitao.” 

 

He calls out softly, as if not wanting Zitao to wake up. 

 

“I am Joonmyun, your lover.”

 

When he perks up, his heart almost stops when he sees Zitao staring at him, not because he doesn’t expect Zitao to be awake, but because he recognizes the way Zitao look at him right now. 

 

Those eyes, he knows those eyes. 

 

He knows, even when Zitao doesn’t say anything, he knows that right now, Zitao recognizes him. 

 

“T-Tao…” Joonmyun breathes out and holds the hand tighter. 

 

Zitao responds by blinking, and then a trail of tears trickles down from the corner of his eyes. 

 

“Tao…” Joonmyun sniffs softly and leans closer to kiss Zitao’s knuckles. “Baby… I love you so much…” 

 

Zitao just blinks at him, but there are more tears dribbling down his cheeks by now and he also starts to sniffle. 

 

“It’s okay, baby… Shh… Everything’s okay…” Joonmyun whispers reassuringly and wipes the younger’s tears away, watching as Zitao’s eyes flutter close at the touch. 

 

“Everything’s alright, baby… Don’t worry about anything… Don’t think about anything…” He leans in to press a kiss on Zitao’s forehead before pulling away slightly to connect their gazes again. 

 

Now that Zitao recognizes him in this moment, Joonmyun won’t waste the rare chance to say everything he wants to say.

 

“Thank you for everything, Tao… You have no idea how much you give to me, how happy you make me, how meaningful my life has been, all because of you… Thank you for coming to my life, I love you so much, with all my heart…” He whispers softly with tears brimming in his eyes while Zitao is looking up to him with a new set of tears trickling down his face. 

 

“I’m not the best boyfriend out there, but I hope I made you happy at least once… I hope I made you think that being with me is the happiest thing you’ve ever felt… I hope you smiled at least once when thinking about me.” He sniffs again and brings a hand to wipe his own tears away. “I’ll always love you, Zitao. You’ll always be in my heart, this is my promise to you… I will never forget about you because you never forget about me, not even a second. Everytime I hold your hand or look into your eyes, I always know that you still remember me, your heart still remembers me.” 

 

Zitao closes his eyes and sobs quietly. His frail hand starts to tremble in Joonmyun’s hold and the elder holds it tighter, but not too tight in fear of breaking it. 

 

“I know you love me, I know, Zitao… No matter what happen to you, no matter what you say, I can feel your love, so everything’s okay. We love each other and it’s enough, I’ll be fine.” Joonmyun sucks in a deep breath and bites his lip, as if trying to hold back the burst of emotion inside him. 

 

“S-So…if you’re tired… If you need a rest…just rest… I don’t want you to suffer anymore…” He chokes out, feeling his own heart breaking as he speaks. “I’ll be okay, Zitao… I have you in my heart, I have your love, I’ll be okay as long as you promise to wait for me…” 

 

Zitao stares at him quietly with tears still streaming down from his eyes before he slowly curls his lips into a smile, eyes twinkling slightly as he looks up to Joonmyun. He starts to move his mouth and Joonmyun quickly leans closer to listen to him. 

 

“Pro..mise…”

 

Joonmyun is so close of breaking down, but he knows he can’t do it, not when he’s like this in front of Zitao. So he smiles back at the boy and nods his head, pretending to be fine.

 

“Thank you for coming into my life, Zitao. I love you so much, and I always will…” 

  
  
  
  
  
  


===

  
  
  
  
  
  


Joonmyun slowly sits on the ground and takes out the cassette tape recorder from his bag. He inserts the empty tape and secures it inside before pressing the record button. 

 

Taking a deep breath, he lifts the recorder and starts to speak. 

 

“This is Kim Joonmyun, your lover.” 

 

He licks his dry lips and takes another breath. 

 

“I—I don’t know what to say… This is more awkward than I thought it would be.” He chuckles softly and shakes his head. 

 

“I just want to say that… I’m doing well… I’ve found a new job as a hotel manager. The pay is not as much as my old job, but at least I don’t have to work myself to the bones. You’ve always been worried whenever you see me working too hard, so I’m going to stop that habit for you.” 

 

“Last week I went to eat dinner with Luhan and Sehun. They’re so lovey dovey to each other and even though Sehun grossed me out a little, seeing them makes me miss you. I remember you love to snuggle onto me even though you’re clearly taller and bigger.” He laughs again at the memories. 

 

“I remember how you pouted when I did something you didn’t like or prohibited you from doing something. I remember how you frowned when you witnessed something you don’t like. I remember how your face scrunched up when you cried, it was so ugly, honestly.” He bursts out into another laugh before continuing. “You’re so ugly when you cry, but at the same time, adorable… I don’t know how it is possible, but that’s what I see.” 

 

“You’re like the sunshine… Even when I tried not to look at you or think about you, you’re always there…like the sun itself… You’re always there, Zitao…” 

 

He pauses his speech and looks down at the ground for a while. 

 

“You’re always in my heart… Your smile, your laugh, your tears, everything… I can see everything in my heart. I can see you clearly… Do you miss me there? Or are you having fun with the others that you forget about me? I hope not.” He chuckles softly before looking up to the sky, squinting slightly at the bright clouds above him. 

 

“Do you remember? You promised me when I asked you to wait for me. I hope you won’t pretend that you forgot about it or else I’m going to punish you once I get there.” 

 

He looks down at the recorder in his hand, seeing cassette spin along as the second passes by. 

 

“I love you, Zitao.” 

 

He presses the stop button and takes the tape out, flipping it around as if checking its condition before placing it on the ground in front of him, joining the bouquet of flower. He then moves his hand to touch the headstone, tracing the craved letters with his fingertips. 

 

_ In Loving Memory of _

_ Huang Zitao _

  
  
  



End file.
